by Bhakta Hap Camper

You've heard of space alien jokes, Pommy jokes, Polack jokes, burak jokes, Italian jokes, Greek jokes, Jew jokes, spade jokes, chink jokes, greaseball jokes, Canuck jokes, hunky jokes, spic

jokes, etc. etc. etc.

Here's a new category guaranteed to be perfectly acceptable to all: Ancient Egyptian Jokes! Political correctness guaranteed, unless you are sitting there in front of your monitor wrapped in 2500 year old strips of bedsheet.


Midnight in the British Museum, 1924. The mummies of King Tut and Queen Nefertiti have been removed from their sarcophaguses and lie side by side on slabs, where they'll be examined in the morning by a team of Egyptologists.

King Tut turns to Nefertiti and says, "When I look at you, time stands still."

What he really meant was that after 2500 years, she had a face that would

stop a clock.

Nefertiti replies, "My love, you are so dark and handsome."

What she really meant was that while it's dark, he's handsome.

They get up, go rummaging through all the old boxes and crates until they've dressed themselves in their royal apparel. Then they sneak out of the museum and head for a masquerade ball.

As they enter, the hostess, Dame Melba Witheringsgow-Trillingsby turns to a friend and says, "Don't they look a million -- every year of it."

But soon King Tut and Queen Nefertiti are the life of the party, which doesn't say much for British social occasions. He's at the piano while she sings, "You've got Egypt in Your Eyes" (which was really the name of a hit song in the 20's).

Then they dance the tango. King Tut sends his Queen into a pirouette across the ballroom floor. Unfortunately he hangs onto a end of her wrapping, so as she spun, she became undone. Out of control, she goes rotating like a top through an entrance to the garden and lands in a heap on the flowerbed. Dame Witheringsgow-Trillingsby's dog, whose name was

Major-General Gareth Snoid, comes trotting along and, with a brusque "Mind out, love," buries Queen Nefertiti in the garden for a leisurely gnaw later on.

King Tut staggers into the garden, calling out for Nefertiti and quoting ancient Egyptian love poems. Sir Cedric Hoggingwallow, also staggering due to being totally drunk, bumps into him. "I say," Sir Cedric says tipsily as he peers at King Tut, "it's ... YOU, old Morton Rattlebones himself! Haven't seen you since the war's end. How are you, old chap?" He looks closer. "Oh Lord, what's happened, Morty? Accident? You're all swathed in bandages. Oh, pardon, silly me, masquerade ball, right, pip-pip, jolly good show, look at me, I'm dressed like Bluebeard meself, but don't worry, the beard's false." He pulls it down quickly and grins. "Wouldn't do for it to be real now, would it, chaps'd think I'm a ruddy Bolshevik!"

Just then Gort and Klaatu step out from the bushes. Gort trains a ray gun on King Tut and Sir Cedric while Klaatu intones, "Don't move, Earthlings, we have some questions for you."

(To Be Continued)

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