Madonna's Principles

by Bhakta Hap Camper


Akruranatha Prabhu's question as to why Madonna didn't get the ray gun treatment jogged my memory. While at the Manor, she was invited to a meeting of the Bearded Householder's Council. Our 2 aliens, Gort (with the ray gun) and Klaatu, are hovering in their flying saucer

outside of the window.This is what they overhear. "I'm a vegetarian. I only go out with guys who have plenty of lettuce. That's because, even though people say I'm good for nothing, I do follow one regulative principle: I'm not bad for nothing. I don't mind it when men love me and leave me, as long as they leave me enough. Well, I guess that's it. I'm not a big talker--I only speak in money syllables."


"Please tell us your innermost thoughts."


"Oh, I'm never bothered by noises in my head. Sound doesn't transmit through a vacuum."


"But Madonna, you're a famous feminist idol. White Anglo-Saxon Protestant males in need of

woman. We wear beards to show the world what we stand for. We think that our Bearded Householders Council stands for a lot of the same things you do."


"To me, it's not a matter of what a man stands for, it's what he falls for that counts."


"Yes, quite right. A lot of the devotees here think we're fallen, but we just try to follow Varnasrama-dharma. Some of us not only grow beards, but we grow our own food, too."


"Oh, I just adore men with green thumbs. Especially if their thumbs are green from peeling off $100 dollar bills. I'm a gardener myself. I know all the rakes. But my favorite hobby is antiques--you know, collecting rich old geezers."


"Madonna, aren't you doing a tour of the Orient soon? What do you think about Red China?"


"It's okay as long as it doesn't clash with the color of the tablecloth."


Gort turns to Klaatu and says, "This lady is penny wise and gowned foolish. But I hear that her stage performances always have a happy ending -- when the curtain closes."


Klaatu answers, "Actually, she started show business in ballet. She saw some toe girls dancing and thought the ballet company needed taller girls, so she applied for a job."


"Klaatu, tell me about those beards in there, are they ... what's that Earth word, psycho-ceramics?"


"I think you mean crackpots, Gort."


"That's the word. Why does Madonna like these guys? They really don't seem to be her type. But she's getting along just fine with them in there."


"Well, Gort, you've seen how Western women eagerly flock to department stores when a discount sale is advertised? Madonna's no exception. She just can't resist anything that's fifty percent off."

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